


Not the Label

by sonlali



Series: A-spec Patrick [1]
Category: Schitt's Creek
Genre: A-spec Patrick, Canon Queer Relationship, Established Relationship, M/M, discussions about sexuality, queer identity
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-02
Updated: 2019-10-02
Packaged: 2020-11-10 18:23:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,447
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20856221
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sonlali/pseuds/sonlali
Summary: Patrick wakes David up to discuss the complexities of sexuality, identity, and labels.





	Not the Label

**Author's Note:**

> This is for all my Rosebuddies. <3
> 
> Big thanks to Sully for being an excellent beta, and special shout-out to Cupcake for all the support and encouragement.

“David. David, wake up. David.” Patrick knows that David is a light sleeper, so he really doesn’t need to call his name repeatedly to rouse him from sleep. This doesn’t stop him from urgently shaking David’s shoulder until he groans irritably. 

“Mmpf,” David grumbles into his pillow as he tries to shake Patrick off.

“David, wake up!” Patrick persists.

David opens one eye and squints around the dark room. “Patrick, it’s the middle of the night.” His words are spoken directly into his pillow and barely discernible.

“It’s nearly six a.m.,” Patrick says.

“I stand by what I said.” David pulls the blanket up around his head and burrows further into the bed.

Patrick yanks the covers away and David growls. “David, I need to talk to you.”

David seems to hear the urgency in Patrick’s voice and opens both eyes and rolls over to face him, squinting blearily.

“What’s wrong? Are you okay?”

“David, please. I need to talk to you.” Patrick is feeling desperate at this point. Logically, he knows this could wait until David is completely awake, but logic flew out the window somewhere between two and three a.m. 

“Patrick?” David’s voice is gruff from sleep, but there’s also a tinge of worry creeping in. 

“David, I don’t think I’m gay,” Patrick blurts. He knows he should have given David more context or at least a few minutes to blink the sleep from his eyes. But he’s been awake all night, and he can feel himself spiraling into a panic. 

David’s eyebrows shoot up into his hairline, but he otherwise doesn’t react. “Okayyy,” David says slowly. He sits up fully and blinks several times. 

“I mean, I guess I am, but also, I’m not? Or no… that’s not what I mean. I mean, I’m… I’m—” Patrick knows he’s speaking in circles, but his thoughts are swirling in chaotic loops. He’s starting to feel breathless. He looks desperately at David and hopes that he will somehow understand and know how to help. 

Somehow, David does. He reaches over to turn on a lamp and looks at Patrick intently. 

“Honey, take some deep breaths, okay? I’ll make us some of that soothing chamomile tea you like, and then we can talk about this. Does that sound alright?” 

Patrick nods in relief. David is here. David will help. 

David presses a kiss to his temple and goes to the kitchen. Patrick focuses on his breathing until David returns with two mugs of hot tea. He accepts his gratefully and already feels soothed. He can feel David’s eyes on him as he cradles the warm mug and takes a fortifying gulp. 

Out of the corner of his eye, Patrick sees David’s nose crinkle when he takes a sip from his own mug. David doesn’t even like tea, but he knows that Patrick loves the familiar comfort, especially when stressed. So whenever they’re having an important conversation, David drinks tea in a gesture of solidarity that Patrick finds painfully endearing. 

Sure enough, after only a few sips, David discards his mug to his bedside table and clears his throat.

“Do you want to tell me where this is coming from?” His voice is soft, his eyes gentle.

“I was talking to my mom today,” Patrick begins slowly. Ever since he came out to his parents, Patrick has been speaking with them once a week. He wants to repair the fractured relationship with his parents, who have been eager to rebuild trust and communication. 

Patrick clears his throat and starts over. “I was talking to my mom, and she said something about me being a gay man. Those were the words she used. A _gay man_. But I’ve never referred to myself that way to her before. She just identified me that way on her own.”

David remains silent and Patrick sets his own mug down before turning to face David fully. 

“It’s like she just decided that I’m gay!” Patrick can hear his voice rising and takes a deep breath. 

David fiddles with one of his rings. “Ah, well…I think…I think I may be partially to blame for that.”

“What do you mean?”

“So, uh, after my dad accidentally, um, outed you to your parents, you know?” David shifts anxiously.

“Yes, David, I recall,” Patrick says.

“Right, right, of course. So after that, I stopped by your parents’ room to try to smooth things over a bit, and your mom said that they didn’t mind that you’re gay. And I…uh, well, I didn’t exactly refute that. It’s just that it was a very messy day, and it didn’t seem like the right moment for a discussion on terminology! But I should have—”

“No, David, no, that’s not what this is about,” Patrick interrupts David’s nervous ramblings. “You didn’t do anything wrong. I’m not upset about my mom calling me gay. It’s just…I don’t even know if that’s right.”

“So, you don’t think you’re gay?” David asks gently.

“No, I think I am. Or maybe I am. I don’t know.”

“Mmkay. What does being a gay man mean to you, Patrick?”

Patrick hesitates. “A man who is attracted only to other men?” He hates that it comes out as a question. He hates his own confusion and uncertainty. 

“And that doesn’t feel like you?” David prompts.

“No. I mean, yes.”

David furrows his brow. “Sorry, was that a yes or a no?”

“No, I do think that I am a man attracted to other men.” 

David scoots closer and takes one of Patrick’s hands and gives it a reassuring squeeze. It succeeds in slowing Patrick’s frenzied thoughts. 

“I guess I’m just not sure how I feel about calling myself gay when I spent nearly half my life with Rachel.”

“Honey, being with a woman doesn’t make you not gay,” David says. 

“No, I know that.” Patrick feels frustrated that he isn’t expressing himself clearly. “It’s not that I feel like I can’t be gay because I was with a woman. It’s because I _loved_ that woman. I really loved Rachel.”

“Okay, so you think maybe you’re bi or pan?”

“No, that’s not it!” Patrick’s head is beginning to pound. “It’s not that I want to be with women. Or any other gender. It’s just that…I loved Rachel. I loved spending time with her and talking to her, and it wasn’t purely platonic. I liked kissing her, and sometimes I enjoyed the s-s…I enjoyed having sex with her. Sometimes.”

David just nods encouragingly. Patrick is grateful that David chooses not to comment on how flustered he still gets when speaking about sex. 

“But I don’t think I was attracted to her. Like, sexually, I mean. But I also don’t think I was attracted to her romantically.”

“Patrick, I’m sorry, I don’t think I understand what you mean.” David’s eyebrows are furrowed in the way that indicates he’s concentrating deeply, and Patrick feels a rush of gratitude for how hard David is trying to understand. 

“I was reading on the internet,” Patrick gestures to his laptop, still open beside him on the bed. “I was reading about romantic and sexual attractions. So I thought maybe I was romantically attracted to multiple genders, but only sexually attracted to men.”

“Okay, that makes sense.” David looks eager to show his support for this new realization. 

“But that’s not right,” Patrick continues and David immediately stops nodding. 

“Oh. Okaayyy.” David’s brow is furrowed again, and Patrick wishes he wasn’t the cause of the frown on David’s beautiful face. 

“Then I thought maybe it was the other way around. That maybe I was sexually attracted to multiple genders, but only romantically attracted to men. Because sometimes things were good physically with Rachel, but we were never quite on the same page romantically. Even though we did get along so well. But that’s not right, either.”

David keeps quiet this time, seemingly unsure how to respond. 

“The thing is that sometimes we were good romantically and sometimes we were good physically, but it never really all came together at once. It just wasn’t _right_. Just like none of these words feel right for me. None of them are right!”

David moves closer and rests his head on Patrick’s shoulder. 

“Patrick, you don’t have to assign yourself a sexuality. You don’t have to put yourself in a box like that,” David says.

“But other people do!”

“I know other people try to assign a label to you, and that—”

“No, that’s not what I meant,” Patrick interrupts. “I mean, people do try to assign me a sexuality, but what I meant is that other people label themselves. It seems so easy for other people. They just know they’re gay or bi or pan or whatever. Like you!”

“Mm, like me?” David’s eyebrows shoot back up his forehead. “Do I label myself, though?”

That gives Patrick pause. “I mean, I thought you identified as pansexual.”

“I do, yes. But that’s mostly for other people’s benefit,” David says.

“What do you mean?” Patrick feels completely out of his realm now.

“I mean that people like labels. Some people like labels for themselves. It can be really helpful to have a label to help you feel seen and a part of a community. But also a lot of people like it when they have labels for _other_ people. It helps them to feel as if they understand the other person, even though sometimes they don’t.”

Patrick nods. “So basically some people like labels so they can feel as if they know all about other people, just from that label.”

“Well, yes. But that’s only some people. Having a label for yourself really can help with a sense of community and belonging. I just…I personally don’t really like attaching a label to _all of this_.” David makes a sweeping gesture to his whole body and waggles his eyebrows at Patrick. 

Patrick gives a small smile, but his mind is still reeling trying to understand all this information. 

“So you’re saying you don’t like to be called pansexual?”

“Well, I didn’t say that exactly. I don’t mind it, but I primarily use it to help other people understand. Some people really like to have a word to use, which is fine. I just generally prefer not to label myself. But if you want a label, I’ll help you find one that works for you. Preferably not while it’s the middle of the night…” David gives his pillow a longing look.

“I still don’t understand, David. You just chose pansexual because you wanted to tell other people something?”

David shuts his eyes and tilts his head toward the ceiling. Enough time passes that Patrick worries that he’s offended David somehow, but then he finally speaks. 

“I…not exactly? It did help me to have a word. Something that made me feel connected to other people like me. Something that made me feel understood. But it hasn’t always been the right word. For a while I called myself bi. Hell, I thought I might be gay for a bit. It’s all very complicated and fluid.”

“But you settled on pansexual at some point?” Patrick prompts.

“Yeah, I learned the word and it sounded like me. But, I mean, this was after I had already come out to most people. I told you how I came out to my parents, right?

“By bringing a couple home in college and telling them to deal with it?” 

“Mmhm, yep. So they already knew I was not straight. But at some point a few years later, my dad was on one of his _journeys of self-improvement_.” David does exaggerated air quotes at this. “He does that sometimes where he decides he needs to do lots of family bonding and crap like that. So he rented out this spa and forced us all to stay there for a week.”

“Wow, that’s terrible.” Patrick’s sarcasm goes right over David’s head.

“I know! So he cornered me and wanted to talk about gender and sexuality, so I told him I was pansexual because it seemed to make him happy to have a word.”

“So you’re saying I just need to let my mom call me gay because she needs a word?” Patrick says slowly.

“Nononono.” David shakes his head vehemently. “No, honey. Your mom might like a word to help her understand, but that doesn’t mean that she gets to choose your word. And it doesn’t mean you have to give her a word at all. It might take your parents a while to understand, but this is still something that is very personal _to you_. And it’s for _you_ to decide.”

Patrick turns to David, and David rubs his shoulder comfortingly. They sit in silence for several minutes, and David leans in to kiss Patrick gently. “Thank you for sharing this with me, Patrick.” 

“But that still doesn’t answer my question,” Patrick bursts out. 

“Oh. Ohh, we—we’re not done? Mkay, that’s…okay.” David glances to the clock now reading 6:45 a.m. and gives a tiny sigh. “Okay, yes, which question was that?”

“Maybe I don’t have to give my mom and dad a label, but what about myself? I still don’t know how to identify! It’s all so confusing.” Patrick looks to David helplessly.

“Mm, and it’s important for you to have a label for yourself?” he asks. 

“I mean, I guess. I like feeling like I’m part of the LGBTQ community.”

“Well, how do you feel about ‘queer’?” David asks. “A lot of people who don’t really like labels choose to identify as queer. There’s a lot of history and literature associated with the word queer.”

“I like that.” Patrick nods energetically. 

“I like that, too.” David smiles. “I’m really glad we had this conver—”

“But I still just don’t understand!” Patrick interjects.

“Oookay, still not done. That’s…that’s…uh, okay, honey. What don’t you understand?” David gives Patrick a smile that is probably meant to be encouraging, but instead comes across as strained. 

“I like the idea of calling myself queer, but I still don’t understand who I’m attracted to. Sometimes I find women attractive, but I don’t want to be with them. And sometimes I find men attractive, but I don’t want to be with them, either.”

“Mm, so you and I…” David gives a wry smile. 

Patrick rolls his eyes. “I don’t mean you. I mean, in general. In general, I don’t want to be with other men.”

“Okay, I think the guests at your housewarming party would beg to differ after seeing your cute little outburst over Ted.” 

Patrick feels his face grow warm. “I…I do…I do think Ted is attractive, and I have thought about what it would be like to kiss him.” 

David smirks.

“Shut up. Fine, Ted is a good-looking guy.”

“And don’t forget that he works out!” David chimes in.

“Yes, and I am attracted to him, but I don’t want to _be_ with him.”

“Romantically? I get that. The puns are a lot to handle.”

“No, I mean, yes. I don’t want to be with him romantically, but I also don’t want to be with him sexually.”

David raises his eyebrows and bites his lower lip. “Oh, but you painted _such_ colorful scenes that night about what you would do with Ted. And with me. And with me and Ted.”

“David!” Patrick flushes a deeper shade of red. “Jesus, those were just fantasies. Not anything I’d actually want to do in real life.”

“Okay, but what about that one fantasy with Ted and the collar…?”

“David, please. I’m being serious here.”

“Okay, okay. I’m sorry. Please continue.” David reaches over to grab Patrick’s hand again. “I’m all ears. Like the third fantasy with the…Sorry, okay, I’m done. Continue.”

“What I’m saying is that while it’s nice to fantasize about a good-looking man, like Ted, I can’t see myself actually wanting to have sex with him. Even if you and your sister weren’t in the picture.”

“Ohhh, please let’s not talk about my sister in a conversation about sex.”

“Fine. But it’s the same with Ken. He was attractive, but I had no interest in actually being with him – romantically or sexually. Or with Rachel, it just wasn’t the right kind of interest. I always felt like something was just…off. It’s like I can feel attracted to other people and feel interested in them, but there’s a missing piece somewhere.”

“A missing piece? What do you mean?” David’s voice is low and calming.

“It’s like…I’m attracted to Ted, but I don’t have an interest in actually spending time with him on any extended basis. So the attraction doesn’t feel like something I’d ever want to pursue.” 

“Okay.” David pets the back of Patrick’s head soothingly. 

“And with Rachel, the physical and romantic attraction both felt muted. Not quite enough. No matter how hard I tried, it just didn’t feel right.”

David tilts his head to the side and fixes Patrick with a steady gaze. “Well. Okay, hmm. Give me your laptop?”

Patrick passes over the laptop and gives David a questioning look. David doesn’t provide an explanation but navigates to Google to search for something. 

He hands the laptop back to Patrick and gestures to the screen. “Do any of these feel right to you?”

Patrick peers anxiously at the web page David has brought up. The top of the page reads "[Explore the Spectrum: Guide to Finding Your Ace Community](https://www.glaad.org/amp/ace-guide-finding-your-community)." Patrick cocks his head at David.

“I thought asexual people didn’t experience sexual attraction at all?”

“It’s a spectrum, including both sexual and romantic attraction. Why don’t you read for a bit, and I’ll go wash our mugs?” 

David leans down to press a kiss to Patrick’s forehead before picking up Patrick’s empty mug and his own mostly-full mug of tea that has long since grown cold. He carries both mugs to the kitchen while Patrick focuses on the web page.

He reads about asexuality and aromanticism and is about to call David back to tell him this is all wrong and this isn't him at all. But then he keeps reading. Patrick reads about demisexuality and demiromanticism. He reads about grey-asexuality and grey-romanticism. And maybe some of this _is_ right. Maybe this _is_ Patrick. He feels a flicker of warmth in his chest as he reads.

Patrick is so immersed in his reading that he barely notices the bed dip when David returns and doesn't look over until David touches his arm and speaks.

“How’s it going?” David asks softly. “Does this feel right?”

Patrick is surprised to feel a hint of moisture in his eyes. He blinks several times and turns to David. 

“Yeah, um…yeah, this might be right. Some of this feels right. Definitely more right than any other label I’ve seen so far.”

“That’s good, right? Isn’t…isn’t that what you wanted? A label that worked for you?” There’s a note of apprehension in David’s voice.

“Yeah. Yes, I thought I wanted a word or a label or a definition. And this is good. I like knowing that there are other people who feel similarly to me. But this still doesn’t feel quite right.”

“Mkay, well, what _does_ feel right to you?” David curls up along Patrick’s side and Patrick shuts the laptop and places it on the table beside him. He wraps one arm around David and snuggles down with him.

“You do,” Patrick says without hesitation. “You make me feel right. Being with you is right.”

David smiles crookedly and looks away. 

“But not just you.” Patrick is beginning to feel like he’s on the precipice of understanding something. 

“Oh, okayyy.” David frowns and a wrinkle forms between his brows. Patrick wants to kiss it away, but he feels so close to an important realization.

“It’s not just you. You don’t define my sexuality or my identity. But you are what matters most to me. I might be grey-asexual and demiromantic. I might be gay, or maybe I’m queer. And I want to understand myself better. I want to be a part of a community. The word, the identity – that’s important. But that’s not what’s most important to me. It’s you and me together. It’s _us_. We are what is most important to me, not the label.” 

David leans in to kiss Patrick, long and slow. When they finally pull apart, Patrick feels giddy with this conclusion he has reached, with the journey they have gone on this morning. 

“I like us. Us is good.” David smiles. “Now can we _please_ go the fuck back to sleep?”

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [[podfic] Not the Label](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24532051) by [sunlightsymphony](https://archiveofourown.org/users/sunlightsymphony/pseuds/sunlightsymphony)


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